DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I… Continue reading Excerpts from a Cat Diary
Category: Humor
Stop for a Driving Lesson
I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver’s permit. “Oh,” she said, “I already… Continue reading Stop for a Driving Lesson
Looking for a Wife at Wal-Mart
Two old guys, Alvin and Jesse, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. Alvin says to Jesse, “Sorry about that. I didn’t notice you there. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” To which Jesse says, “That’s OK, it must be a coincidence.… Continue reading Looking for a Wife at Wal-Mart
Work History
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned… couldn’t concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it… Continue reading Work History
Haunted House Report
On the outskirts of town there is a spooky old house, avoided by all the townfolk. There is said to be a cantankerous old ghost which lives there, and is feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house,… Continue reading Haunted House Report
Presbyopia
Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. “Now that you’re over 40,” the doctor told him, “you’ve developed a condition called ‘presbyopia,’ in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to.” Seeing his worried look, the doctor… Continue reading Presbyopia
The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!
Yes, you too, can be the next Internet Millionaire. Here’s how! Let’s begin Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich? A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month. Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich? A: No. This… Continue reading The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!
Dead Men Read No Mail
A sad saga of our life and times. My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address. Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn’t expect much, really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent, and a host of other businesses that… Continue reading Dead Men Read No Mail
The Teenage Daughter Manual
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers. Teenager Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new parent of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty… Continue reading The Teenage Daughter Manual
Greatness of a Woman
Thought of the day: ‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. Here’s what I mean: If you give her your seed, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile,… Continue reading Greatness of a Woman