Presbyopia
Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. "Now that you're over 40," the doctor told him, "you've developed a condition…
The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!
Yes, you too, can be the next Internet Millionaire. Here’s how! Let’s begin
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?
Dead Men Read No Mail
A sad saga of our life and times.
My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding
address.
Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn’t expect much, really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent, and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.
You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead — for months, mind you — my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies that had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined to contact him anyway.
The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father’s bank.
Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection
on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven
unsuccessful. Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing
your monthly $28.00 service charge from your account. Please
adjust your records accordingly.Sincerely,
The Phoenix Branch
Dear Phoenix Branch,
The Teenage Daughter Manual
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.
Teenager Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new parent of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) Look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) Refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though…
BREAK-IN PERIOD:
Greatness of a Woman
Thought of the day:
‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
Here’s what I mean:
If you give her your seed, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
It’s Not Your Father’s Military Anymore
While the Air Force C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, ‘Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ‘
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, ‘Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?’
When the attendant came by he said ‘Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?’
‘Yes,’! said the attendant, ‘In fact, this entire crew is female.’
Prize Rooster
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets” and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer had a favorite old rooster, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But the prize rooster almost didn’t make the cut.
On this particular morning while administering his test, John noticed his latest rooster’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would
Jumpers Anonymous
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed… and he was back to jumping
Hearing Problem
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
Felix the Cat
My aunt’s neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.
One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he’s been out sowing his wild oats.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt’s friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street.