Excerpts from a Cat Diary

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DAY 752 –

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 –

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 –

Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Stop for a Driving Lesson

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I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver’s permit.

“Oh,” she said, “I already know everything in the book.”

“You do?” I returned.

“Yep”, she said, very smugly.

I thought, “OK, we’ll just see about that. I’ll give her a hard one.”

So I asked her

Looking for a Wife at Wal-Mart

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Two old guys, Alvin and Jesse, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
Alvin says to Jesse, “Sorry about that. I didn’t notice you there. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

To which Jesse says, “That’s OK, it must be a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

Alvin says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”

Jesse says, “Well, she is

Work History

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned… couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become

Haunted House Report

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On the outskirts of town there is a spooky old house, avoided by all the townfolk. There is said to be a cantankerous old ghost which lives there, and is feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains and making all the ghoulish screams it could muster. The reporter told the ghost “I mean you no harm – I just want your photograph”. The ghost was

Presbyopia

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Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. "Now that you're over 40," the doctor told him, "you've developed a condition…

The Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!

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Yes, you too, can be the next Internet Millionaire. Here’s how! Let’s begin

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?

Dead Men Read No Mail

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A sad saga of our life and times.

My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding
address.

Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn’t expect much, really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent, and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.

You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead — for months, mind you — my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies that had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined to contact him anyway.

The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father’s bank.

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection
on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven
unsuccessful. Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing
your monthly $28.00 service charge from your account. Please
adjust your records accordingly.

Sincerely,
The Phoenix Branch

Dear Phoenix Branch,

The Teenage Daughter Manual

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Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new parent of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) Look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) Refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though…

BREAK-IN PERIOD:

Greatness of a Woman

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Thought of the day:

‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

Here’s what I mean:

If you give her your seed, she’ll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.