As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.
The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in my room.
One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you taking the Book?”
Gildersleeves enters Floyd’s barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, Gildersleeves mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says Floyd the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild’s birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.
Warning! The Clean Windshield Scam.
This new scam is being pulled mainly on middle age, and older men. What happens is when you stop for a red light a young, pretty nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.
While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.
They are very good at this!
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?”
“Yes,” said her friend, “My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
Her friend asked,
And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super size them”. And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said “Try my crispy fresh salad.”
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds.
And God said “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”
The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought!