The Vampire Toe Biter
With a title like that, some explanation is in order. You've heard them called ankle biters, or rugrats, but a new name has been invented for one of the youngest…
Starting a New Year and Getting Caught Up
A long awaited update. I've been intending to post something for a few months. Since the big Heltsley reunion last Labor Day. Well, it was actually rescheduled to September so…
Classy Names
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: “Euro.”
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.
Looking for a Wife at Wal-Mart
Two old guys, Alvin and Jesse, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
Alvin says to Jesse, “Sorry about that. I didn’t notice you there. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
To which Jesse says, “That’s OK, it must be a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
Alvin says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”
Jesse says, “Well, she is
The Teenage Daughter Manual
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.
Teenager Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new parent of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) Look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) Refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though…
BREAK-IN PERIOD:
Jumpers Anonymous
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.
Several minutes passed… and he was back to jumping
Hearing Problem
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
SUNDAY SCHOOL Lesson
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
The Purpose of a Marriage Defines It. Ephesians 5:31-32.
It's a mystery, but it happens every day. It's so natural, yet so strange. Some where today, right now, a man and a woman are meeting, becoming attracted to each other, leaving the security of their families and coming together to be on their own. It's the natural order, and design by God.
Complementary Parts, Not Equal and Opposite. Ephesians 5:30
In the big picture of God's kingdom, and spiritual matters, where do we fit in? As Christians, we are his very own body. His own flesh and blood. In Revelation there is a mention of Christ returning on a white horse. In it we have a snapshot of his head, on top of a body that is clothed in garments drenched in blood. We are that body that is paid for, clothed, and drenched in his blood. The bride that he is coming for is the remnant of faithful ones of the body of Israel.