– Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
– One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
– The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
– The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.
– The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
– I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
– Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
– Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
– A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.
– The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then they marry him!
– I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
– I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
– If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?