How To Know You’re Ready For Parenthood

Posted inContributors, Humor
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, [...]

Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids

Posted inContributors, Humor
It doesn’t take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. Dogs cannot lie. Dogs never resist nap time. You don’t need to get extra phone lines for a dog. Dogs don’t pester you about getting a kid. Dogs don’t care if the peas have been touched by the mashed [...]

Women’s Profound Sayings

Posted inContributors, Humor
- Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. - One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. - The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. - The nice [...]

Truthful Sayings from Grandpa

Posted inContributors, Humor
Wisdom from Grandpa… - Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. - Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar. - Too many couples marry for better, or [...]

10 Things a Mother Doesn’t Want to Hear

Posted inContributors, Humor
1. I swallowed a goldfish. 2. Your lipstick works better than crayons. 3. Does grape juice leave a stain? 4. The principal called… 5. But DAD says that word all the time. 6. What’s it cost to fix a window? 7. Has anyone seen my earthworms? 8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy? 9. [...]

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

Posted inContributors, Humor
Wow, I just don’t know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don’t you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us. Oh, go ahead and eat that third [...]

Abort, Retry, Ignore To Hackers Nevermore

Posted inContributors, Humor
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE [...]

Ponder These

Posted inContributors, Humor
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with [...]

Funny Epitaphs

Posted inContributors, Humor
Tombstones are not generally thought of as fonts of light entertainment. But as The New York Times showed, some epitaphs are funnier than others. – He was a simple man who died of complications – He came into the world without my consent and left in the same manner – Stranger, tread this ground with [...]

Memorable Thoughts

Posted inContributors, Humor
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. –George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. –Mark [...]