Heltsley Home Page

Women’s Profound Sayings

By keith March 24, 2019Contributors, Humor

- Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. - One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. - The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. - The nice [...]

Truthful Sayings from Grandpa

By keith March 20, 2019Contributors, Humor

Wisdom from Grandpa… - Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. - Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar. - Too many couples marry for better, or [...]

10 Things a Mother Doesn’t Want to Hear

By keith March 17, 2019Contributors, Humor

1. I swallowed a goldfish. 2. Your lipstick works better than crayons. 3. Does grape juice leave a stain? 4. The principal called… 5. But DAD says that word all the time. 6. What’s it cost to fix a window? 7. Has anyone seen my earthworms? 8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy? 9. [...]

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

By keith March 13, 2019Contributors, Humor

Wow, I just don’t know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don’t you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us. Oh, go ahead and eat that third [...]

Abort, Retry, Ignore To Hackers Nevermore

By keith March 10, 2019Contributors, Humor

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE [...]

Ponder These

By keith March 6, 2019Contributors, Humor

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with [...]

Funny Epitaphs

By keith March 3, 2019Contributors, Humor

Tombstones are not generally thought of as fonts of light entertainment. But as The New York Times showed, some epitaphs are funnier than others. – He was a simple man who died of complications – He came into the world without my consent and left in the same manner – Stranger, tread this ground with [...]

Memorable Thoughts

By keith February 27, 2019Contributors, Humor

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. –George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. –Mark [...]

More One-liners…

By keith February 24, 2019Contributors

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. To sit alone with my conscience will be [...]

The end of House Cleaning

By keith February 20, 2019Contributors, Humor

I don’t see what the fuss is about house cleaning. Seems easy enough to me. 1. Open a new file in your PC. 2. Name it “Housework.” 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN 5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?” 6. [...]