The Teenage Daughter Manual

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Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new parent of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) Look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) Refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though…

BREAK-IN PERIOD:

Greatness of a Woman

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Thought of the day:

‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

Here’s what I mean:

If you give her your seed, she’ll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.

It’s Not Your Father’s Military Anymore

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While the Air Force C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, ‘Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ‘

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, ‘Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?’

When the attendant came by he said ‘Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?’

‘Yes,’! said the attendant, ‘In fact, this entire crew is female.’

Prize Rooster

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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets” and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer had a favorite old rooster, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But the prize rooster almost didn’t make the cut.

On this particular morning while administering his test, John noticed his latest rooster’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would

On the Sidelines

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A wife was sitting on the living-room couch watching her favorite show on the Food Network when her husband walked in. "Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked.…

Secret Message

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My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table.

There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on.

Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, “Oh, but I’ve told you this one before, haven’t I?”

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

A young boy joyfully jumping on a bed in a bedroom. He has tousled hair and is wearing a green and blue plaid shirt with jeans. Behind him, a woman with gray hair, dressed in a purple sweater and gray pants, stands in the doorway with her hands on her hips, watching him. The bed is unmade with pillows and blankets scattered. A teddy bear sits on the floor near the window, and the room looks cozy and well-lit from natural light.

Jumpers Anonymous

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Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.

Several minutes passed… and he was back to jumping

A four-panel comic illustrating an elderly man’s hearing journey. Panel 1 ("Before: The Quiet Years") shows him confused, saying he just nods and smiles in silence. Panel 2 ("The Appointment") features a doctor offering hearing aids, promising 100% hearing and family approval. Panel 3 ("The Secret Listen") shows him secretly overhearing family plans about borrowing property, car, and vacation fund. Panel 4 ("The Aftermath") depicts him happily revealing he changed his last will five times without anyone knowing.

Hearing Problem

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Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”

A three-panel comic illustrating a cat named Felix’s seasonal journey. In autumn, Felix, the "local" black cat, is seen on New York steps. In winter, Felix lies comfortably on a couch beside affectionate neighbors who love him. In spring, a woman in Florida wonders if Felix hunts wild oats. Felix, carrying a cat carrier, travels from Florida to New York. Two older people say they travel every winter to Florida with him.

Felix the Cat

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My aunt’s neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night.

One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he’s been out sowing his wild oats.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt’s friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street.