keith – Page 22 – Heltsley Home Page

Reviving Old Proverbs

By keith April 19, 2011HumorNo Comments

Old sayings and figures of speech get a second wind, with the help of 4th graders.

The grass is always greener when…: you leave the sprinkler on.
A rolling stone…: plays the guitar.
The grass is always greener…: when you remember to water it.
A bird in the hand is…: a real mess.
No news is…: no newspaper.
It’s better to light one candle than…: to waste electricity.
It’s always darkest just before…: I open my eyes.
You have nothing to fear but…: homework.
If you can’t stand the heat…: don’t start the fireplace.
If you can’t stand the heat…: go swimming.

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Vacation Perks For Everybody

By keith April 18, 2011GeneralNo Comments

I saw a new local ad campaign being run for the northern snow birds by our county tourist board. Against a drop dead sunset beach picture, It reads: Come to…

Classy Names

By keith April 16, 2011GeneralNo Comments

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: “Euro.”

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.

Enclosed is my Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed

Teenage Drivers

By keith April 14, 2011HumorNo Comments

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a…

The Book

By keith April 13, 2011HumorNo Comments

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you taking the Book?”

Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie

By keith April 12, 2011HumorNo Comments

“I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”
“Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”
“Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room.”
“Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”

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Close Shave

By keith April 9, 2011HumorNo Comments

Gildersleeves enters Floyd’s barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, Gildersleeves mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing,” says Floyd the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”

Baby of the Future

By keith April 8, 2011HumorNo Comments

Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild’s birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers.

Jogging

By keith April 7, 2011HumorNo Comments

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5…