How To Know You’re Ready For Parenthood

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MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, [...]

Ponder These

Posted inContributors, Humor
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with [...]

Memorable Thoughts

Posted inContributors, Humor
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. –George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. –Mark [...]

Reviving Old Proverbs

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Old sayings and figures of speech get a second wind, with the help of 4th graders.

The grass is always greener when…

you leave the sprinkler on.

A rolling stone…

plays the guitar.

The grass is always greener…

when you remember to water it.

A bird in the hand is…

a real mess.

No news is…

no newspaper.

It’s better to light one candle than…

to waste electricity.

It’s always darkest just before…

I open my eyes.

You have nothing to fear but…

homework.

If you can’t stand the heat…

don’t start the fireplace.

If you can’t stand the heat…

go swimming.

Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie

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  • “I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”
  • “Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”
  • “Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room.”
  • “Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”

Work History

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned… couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become

Wisdom of the Aviator

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  • ‘Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.’
  • ‘You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’

    – Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

  • ‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’
  • ‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.’
  • ‘When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’

Military Wisdom and Proverbs

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  • ‘If the enemy is in range, so are you….’

    – Infantry Journal

  • ‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’

    – U.S. Air Force Manual

  • ‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’

    – General MacArthur

  • ‘You, you, and you …. Panic. The rest of you, come with me.’

    – U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.