Things that Hallmark cards don't say

Cover:

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...

Inside:
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

Cover:

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...

Inside:
She moved in with me.

Cover:

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...

Inside:
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Cover:

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Inside:
Too bad no one likes your husband.

Cover:

How could two people as beautiful as you

Inside:
Have such an ugly baby?

Cover:

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..

Inside:
I've changed my mind.

Cover:

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

Inside:
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Cover:

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

Inside:
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Cover:

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Inside:
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Cover:

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

Note: (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Cover:

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Inside:
Almost Lifelike!

Cover:

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Inside:
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

Cover:

We have been friends for a very long time ..

Inside:
let's say we stop?

Cover:

I'm so miserable without you

Inside:
it's almost like you're here.

Cover:

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Inside:
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Cover:

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthd ay.

Inside:
So we're having you put to sleep.

Cover:

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,

Inside:
it's really good pay.