Corporate Talk

April 12th, 2009

What the Ads Say, and What They Really Mean.

Helping you figure out those slick and glossy sales pitches from Head-Hunters and recruiters. Here are what they actually mean.

<!--more--><dl><dt> "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
<dd> We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

<dt> "IMMEDIATE OPENING"
<dd> The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

<dt> "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS"
<dd> After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

<dt> "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT"
<dd> We have a lot of turnover.

<dt> "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT"
<dd> Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

<dt> "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM"
<dd> We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

<dt> "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
<dd> You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

<dt>"FLEXIBLE HOURS"
<dd>Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

<dt> "DUTIES WILL VARY"
<dd> Anyone in the office can boss you around.

<dt> "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
<dd> We have no quality control. .

<dt> "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
<dd> You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

<dt> "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
<dd> You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

<dt> "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
<dd> You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

<dt> "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
<dd> Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

<dt> "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD"
<dd> You whine, you're fired.
</dl>

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